Monday, July 25th, 2011.
WASHINGTON, DC. - On a bright, sunny Monday morning, rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert made his case for the NFL lockout to come to a halt. "I am tired of sitting around not preparing for the upcoming season. This must be settled. I am tired of getting texts from David Garrard saying, "Check out my Twitter page lolololol" and all I see is a picture of his hand and "CAN I USE UR PHONE 2 CALL PEYTON. HE BLOCKED ME." Just last night he was asking me if I could explain 'YAC' to him."
Finally, after 45 minutes of Gabbert reciting texts, emails, and Tweets from Garrard that was reminiscent of George Costanza listing his life in the "Andrea Doria" episode of Seinfeld, DeMaurice Smith put an end to the horrifying plea. "Enough, uh, we must get back to football, uh, the players want it and, uh, uh, Blaine Gabbert should not be subjected to anymore, uh, messages from David Garrard. NFL Commissioner Rodger Goodell chimed in quickly adding, "Sure."
At 3:27AM EST, the NFLPA and the NFL released the following joint statement, "The NFLPA and the NFL have come to an agreement early this morning to end David Garrard's harassment of Blaine Gabbert and the NFL lockout. We feel that it is in the best interest of the NFL fans and Mr. Gabbert to get back to work on the football field where he now, unfortunately, must be communicating with coach Jack Del Rio."
Blaine Gabbert, while getting hurried into a Jaguar, said the following, "While I'm here, I might as well go get this debt crisis thing settled. To the fans: I'll be in Jacksonville tomorrow morning getting ready to be your quarterback this season. If I get in before 11AM, I'll get there before David."
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